I don't fear God.

A post on an online forum recently asked the question; "Do you fear God?"

I thought (very briefly) of responding to this as I normally write, with a full outline and references and 'twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence' to support my position. But I decided to go all organic on you...

I had brain damage due to heavy and long term drug abuse. I ended up homeless and checked myself into a treatment facility. While I was there I got physically better, but I was still afraid of everything and had constant panic attacks even though I was on my meds.

I read Yancey's "The Jesus I Never Knew", then reread the New Testament, then reread once again the Gospels in depth. I realized during this that I had found my spirituality in His words; the words He spoke while He was on this earth. 

Not having been able to pray for over three decades even with persistent effort while trying to recover in Narcotics Anonymous for the past year, I was finally able to pray after having read His words. I thanked Him for allowing me to take up the burdens and to take the path that had weakened me enough that I could finally hear His voice and understand His message, asking only for help in understanding His will for me.

The fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame lifted off me. The symptoms of the brain damage are gone. Since then I've only felt peace and calm when I am in His will. 

I don't fear Him. I fear what I was before He found me. He saved me. He healed me. Fearing Him would be (to me) as silly as if Peter had feared Jesus while he was walking on the water. It was Jesus who was going to save him. 

It is God who saved me from my fear. My perspective is that, when I am in a place of fear or anxiety it is because i am separate from Him, I am not in communion with the Counselor. When I am communing with the Counselor I have nothing to fear. I don't fear jail anymore. I don't fear men anymore. I don't fear God. 

I don't fear God; I fear myself! 

God's love, the message of Jesus, is the only thing saving me from myself and from the abyss of madness.

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.” - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray